Don't look at her with those eyes

I will never forget the stillness in my mothers voice warning that bad news was coming.

"Honey, I have to tell you something. . .

Everything is ok. . .

. . . but I was just diagnosed with C-A-N-C-E-R . . ."

Always the consummate protective mother, she was trying to downplay even this news so I did not worry.

But still, as the words drifted from her mouth, entered my ears and bounced around in my head for several seconds, all I can remember is going numb.

My eyes scanned her face for any trace of emotion, but seeing none, and realizing that she was waiting for my response before reacting, I gathered myself together quickly- maybe too quickly.

Words failed me, but something inside of me said DO NOT look at her with THOSE EYES.  

You know the eyes I am referring to- the ones covered with apologies, pity, and sorrow.

The 'poor you eyes', and the 'I am so sorry eyes' that everyone wears when they know you are ill.

If I could do nothing else to ease the moment and the challenges ahead, I made a personal promise to myself that day that I would never look at her through or with those eyes.

Instead, let me be the one to shield, and protect her from hearing the whispers, seeing the fingers pointed her way, and stop them from simply turning her into 'that person with cancer.'  She was and would always be so much more than that no matter what happened.

In the waiting room, I wondered what the doctors would tell me.  I felt sick to my stomach, but optimistically hopeful- whether that was wishful thinking or not, my mother always taught me; Don't worry until you have to.

As I sat listening to her doctors tell me that my mother had - at best- three years to live, almost with the same inflection and interest someone tells you what they had for dinner, I was enraged.

How could they be so callous, so matter of fact, so compassionless?  (And no, I don't buy that they have to be detached, objective, and all the other counter-intuitive teachings many physicians learn in med school).

How could they dare attempt to predict when someone's life would end, and say it outloud so that it may become self-fulfilling? 

Most importantly how could they choose to deliver such news with my mother sitting by my side? 

How did they think that might affect her psyche, her day to day choices, her mind, body and most importantly, her spirit and strength needed to fight against this insideous disease?

As my the knot in my stomach grew, I heard my son's laughter, and was jolted back into reality remembered that this flashback had began while I was watching my mother and son playing together.

I turned, joyfully to see that my mom had managed to find the magic spot under my son's chin that sends him into the most intoxicating laugh that can melt the heart of a 50 year old man who doesn't even like kids.

I smiled watching my mom. . . enjoying her grandson. . . 8 years after our doctor's visit.  With 5 years of additional blessings that were not supposed to be hers, and 2 1/2 of those years spent enjoying her only grandchild.

I smiled and thanked all the powers that be by every name I have heard others invoke. 

Maybe sometimes people need to have something to fight against, or remind them to appreciate every day, to be good to others, and to always marvel at the little things.

Or since that is who my mother was already, maybe that is the reason that she has been able to surpass everyone's expectations throughout her life. . . and not just her doctor's.

 

Tonight I am going to party like it's 5770

Today is start of the Jewish New Year.

In my past life (this life), I lived in LA for 8 1/2 years. 

About half of that time I worked in 'the industry,' and the other half I spent studying with healers and teachers, most likely subconsciously purging myself from the former.

In any case, yes, I did take classes at the infamous Kabbalah Center.  During that time, it was the Religion Du Jour to many, but for me, it was also a breath of fresh air.  I took many of its teachings to heart and still apply them to my life on a daily basis.

I respect and appreciate many of my friend's commitment to living a more pious life, but, I myself could not get down with all the rules.

I gave it a real shot, keeping Shabbat for many months, drinking the Kabbalah kool-aid, taking classes, volunteering in the kitchen and dating a rabbi.  

I had some incredible experiences as a result of all of that, (more on that at another time perhaps) but I knew that if I followed that path, I would end up married to the rabbi (who spoke 5 languages and was a world traveler),barefoot and pregnant for two decades with sore nipples, having to wear a wig or shmata everyday, living in different places trying to learn the language and how to work a crockpot, teaching astrology to a cool group of folks, and writing about spirituality.

Now that I think about it, it sounds a little better than it did then, and aside from all the pregnancies, and the hours I might not have had to waste washing my hair and choosing a few more cute wigs, it is not that far off from the life I now live with my Russian husband on the side of a mountain - but I guess I better start the Russian Rosetta Stone and put together an astrology class soon to ensure the parallels.

I still hold my time in what I affectionately called the Kabbalah circus dear (now realizing that most everyone I know lives in some kind of a circus anyway.)

I seem to remember that Kabbalah teaches us that each holiday explains, represents and correlates with our internal soul, and allows us to connect with the enegy that we need to heal the parts of ourselves that might have been damaged along the way.

Rosh Hashana allows us the opportunity to go back to our 'original state', and connect to the most pure part of ourselves.  Shana reminds us of 'shinui' meaning change.  Tikkun Olam- change the world by changing yourself.

Self-unity spreads to those around you.

Or perhaps it is just easier to say; go write your new years resolutions and party like its 5770.

Universal Mental Health Care

I am reading Mommy Wars

A book of essays about working mom's vs. stay at home mom's and their struggles and judgements of themselves and others.

We all have our thoughts and judgments of how others raise their children while we struggle to make choices and find a balance that works for our own family.

Since most days we all need to transform into a Cirque de Soleil performer to twist and balance in the ways necessary to get through the day, it boggles my mind that we have teh energy or time to worry about what others are doing.

Sure, our definitions of 'family', 'parenthood' and 'raising children' differ, but if we would all learn to close our mouths, listen, and refrain from judging others even for a few minutes, we might see that despite the different verbage we use, we are all doing what we think is best, and our goals are the same; to raise well adjusted, smart, inquisitive, and responsible children who will go out into the world with their gifts and leave it better than they found it.

Though people, and often the societies where we live, want to ask us pointed questions about our life choices just to put us in a box so they can move on to devour and compartmentalize other people and ideas and spread their universal knowledge of 'the truth' on many issues, I don't think things are that simple or black and white.

No one I know fits into just one box.

(Except perhaps my son who is currently obsessed with climbing into boxes- I wish someone would have told me not to buy store bought toys when boxes, tupperware, and household kitchen objects do the trick just fine.)

Despite all the messages we are 'fed' from our TVs, and radios to divide us, I search each day for common ground despite conventional wisdom and many in the media hoping that we never find any.

Perhaps those of us with the same goals can create our own language, music and version of Cirque Du Soleil that celebrates the common ground so many of us feel but never hear about.

Oldie, but a Goodie

Raw Silk and Uncut Wood

Stop being holy, forget being prudent, it'll be a hundred times better for everyone.
Stop being altruistic, forget being righteous,
people will remember what family feeling is.
Stop planning, forget making a profit,
there won't be any thieves and robbers.

But even these three rules needn't be followed; what works reliably
is to know the raw silk,
hold the uncut wood.
Need little,
want less.
Forget the rules.
Be untroubled.

Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

In ancient China, the keeper of the Imperial Library, Lao Tzu, was famous for his wisdom.

Realizing the growing corruption of the government, he chose to leave the city for the countryside. On his way, the guard at the city gates asked Lao Tzu to write out the essence of his understanding to benefit future generations.

Lao Tzu wrote the Tao Te Ching, left, and was never heard of again.

What do you want to be free of in your life?

"Life without liberty is like a body without a spirit." - Kahlil Gibran

"Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the individual who can labor in freedom"- Albert Einstein

“There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams." Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there.” - Erma Bombeck


Here's to fighting for freedoms, liberties and the pursuit of happiness in your own life.