Checking in to the Funny Farm

Ok, admit it, how many of you have at a time or two thought you were losing your mind? How many have wanted to be Christian Slater in Pump Up the Volume, stirring things up, or felt an affinity with Dudley Moore’s character in Crazy People, or Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest? ….

I will admit to all of the above, as well as very VIVID daydreams that all end in securing my place in one of the scenarios mentioned above where I could hide out, write, create, and set up a social experiment.

I would produce my own underground cable show (even wrote a few scripts for the show) commenting about the underpinnings of our society interviewing Dick Greggory and George Carlin types and my brethren in the hospital and others on the fringes of society who believe that they stay true to themselves and make unbiased opinions about the state of our mental and social evolution and profoundly deconstruct the world in which we live.

To lighten it up, I could work on the novel in my head a la “Confederacy of Dunces” that would create a new generation between the Boomers and X ers … call it Gen WTF (since no one I know relates or feels that they belong to either ‘marketing created group’) and comment on the state of affairs around the world through a different lens.

I could also write the book that tries to reach me each time my pen hits the page a la “The Devil Wears Prada” about my time in Hollywood working on the set and behind the scenes for some interesting characters. (Did I mention the one actor who asked us to add ‘rotating his silk boxers’ to our daily to do list?)

Or most importantly to me, finally tackle the story of my adoption, reunion with my birth family and the reunification and integration process that tries to bridge the gap between my two families and the two people who exist inside of me.

But then I think, “Man, would I ever get out of the funny farm?” When the time came, would I WANT to leave? Would working on those projects, and delving deep into all of that subject matter cause me to embrace the outside world again with open arms- as a child that needs a hug after being reprimanded, or an old friend that needs my love after I have tried to shed some light on her shortcomings or would it make me appreciate my new friends in the funny farm and see that they are more sane than the ones on the outside? Would the world appreciate my attempts and observations and welcome me back into her arms or burn me at the stake as it does to so many others even today?

Obviously you know the answer to most of these questions, or I would be writing to you from the Oregon State Hospital.

Blogga, Please

As soon as you commit to blogging every day, your mind is no longer your own. Whether you are in the shower, on the potty, at work, or trying to sleep or focus on conversations, you realize that Bohr was right, there are parallel universes. As your boss speaks to you, you see his lips moving, but instead of hearing what he is saying, you find yourself tuning him out while trying to hold on to your ideas for the day’s blog, or if you do listen, it is only because you are looking for material that might make its way into the blog.

I am told that this happens to everyone in the beginning. You become the John Edward medium for all the stories or ideas that have been waiting to be written. As soon as you open yourself up, all the ideas that have been vying for your attention lose their manners since they have been waiting patiently for you to express their sentiments for many years.

Once the floodgates open, you are pretty much screwed, and no matter how bizarre or mundane, you feel that you must find a place for each dissertation and reflection whether it makes sense or fits within the framework of anything.

So in that case, does anyone have use in one of their tales or blogs for a purple midget who carries around a chess board and a plastic sailboat and sings margaritaville? I really need to sleep again.

Taboo

THE CAMERA PANS DOWN A BUSY STREET CAPTURING HAPPY PEOPLE SITTING WITH FRIENDS AT OUTDOOR CAFES, LAUGHING IN FRONT OF BOUTIQUES AND BOOK STORES...

                                                              VOICE OVER- BESS

I feel like a visitor in a foreign land most of the time. I pass by so many people who seem to be so happy, and I envy that they can relax and truly enjoy life, while I constantly get caught up in my own head, over-analyzing EVERYTHING.

THE CAMERA PANS THROUGH A BUSY PARK SHOWING EVERYONE, CHILDREN, PUPPIES, ALL HANGING OUT HAVING A BRILLIANT TIME- PLAYING VOLLEYBALL, LAYING ON BLANKETS, GRILLING, LAUGHING, AND SMILING ALMOST AS IF IN A STAGED PLAY FOR BESS.

                                                                VOICE OVER- BESS

 Lately I find it hard to really connect with people…no one seems to talk about anything of substance anymore, and if they do, it is to sell you on their Multi Level Marketing Company, or convince you that their dogma doesn’t stink, . . . and lets face it, all dogma stinks. 

I know that I just flew 2 hours to get here, but now it does not seem to be that great of an idea. I know everyone loves the holidays, and that you are supposed to look forward to spending with your family, but how many of you have actually MET my family?

WE HEAR A TEXT MESSAGE COMING IN AND SEE BESS’ PHONE REVEAL A MESSAGE FROM CALI

                                                                         CALI

Try to have fun today, honey…

Do it anyway…

VOICE OVER - BESS

At least this time I think I know who the mole is in my family.

BESS EXITS HER CAR AND WALKS TO THE PICNIC TABLE TO SIT WITH ELLA.

ELLA

Hi honey, HOW ARE YOU?

THE CAMERA PANS AROUND TO REVEAL BESS.

BESS

Doing well, HOW ARE YOU?

ELLA SHOOTS HER A LOOK RECOGNIZING THE SARCASM.

ELLA

Oh fine, honey, boring and uninteresting, but fine just the same….

(PAUSE)

You know you are slowly driving everyone here crazy, right?

BESS

Why is that?

ELLA

You don’t tell us ANYTHING about your life and you walk around playing the martyr all the time.

BESS

What do you want to know?

ELLA

Anything. How about - How is LA, work, your love life…or how things are with June.

BESS

I try to share details, it just seems that no one listens. Their eyes glaze over with disinterest, jealousy or trepidation to even discuss such things.

ELLA

You mean to discuss your other family?

BESS

I guess. It is all connected for me, so it is hard to separate things.

ELLA
We are your family, Bess, we will always be here for you, I know that it cannot be easy.

BESS

I know that you are, Ella, but the others treat me like a traitor.

ELLA

What do you mean by that?

BESS

Did Aunt Rachel tell you about the letter that she sent?

ELLA

No, what letter?

BESS

Oh, it was a fabulously worded letter dripping with wonderful sentiments… most of which were that I am a traitor and how dare I want to have a relationship with my birth family. How it is killing my mother, and how no one in the family understands why I need to bother myself with getting to know THAT FAMILY.

Mommy Dearest

I woke up my son today before I left for work, and asked him if he minded if I celebrate and embarrass him by writing about what a little genius and devil he is on mama's new blog. He looked at me, smiled and clapped his hands several times, and although he is only 15 months and speaks four words, I know he understood and this was his way of giving me permission.  I went back into my room, lifted the covers from my husbands head, and asked him if he minded me sharing some of his personal stories -knowing that he would agree to anything to have the covers back, that he likely would not remember the conversation, but maybe somewhere in the back of his mind, he would recollect giving me the OK. (FYI my husband gets mad ANY TIME that he finds out that I tell ANYONE ANYTHING personal, so this should be fun.)

With that thought lingering, and considering the other characters in my movie, and what I might be sharing in the name of my own cathartic needs, it became clear that I must change the names and places to protect the guilty and myself from any lawsuits or the possibility that I might alienate and piss off everyone I love.

It is because of this fear that I have made so many excuses over the years to not write any stories about my life, but I can no longer oblige those concerns since they played a big part in leading me down the road to craziness on numerous occasions, and causing me to lapse into an unhappy caricature of myself.

As an early birthday present to myself, I have decided to start this blog to restore some sanity to my life, to share stories, and keep in touch with my family and friends and let them know what goes on in my exciting life in a small mountain town the likes of which could easily have a story about someone building a tank, and destroying half of the town, or electing a mayor who was once proudly a stripper.  Ahhh, the wild west, the new frontier mixed with rednecks and yuppies bitching about each other on a daily basis. 

There is always something exciting going on, and if there is not, I can chime in on this insane world of ours, motherhood, the joys and tribulations of living as an adopted child post reunion, and the fact that because of me and my over extended adoptive, biological, nuclear and blended family, my son will have to learn how to say Granny, Babushka, Nonnie, Nana and Bubbe, and I am sure each is gunning to be the first name he utters.  No pressure, son. 

Or I could write about my former life working in Hollywood as an assistant to the stars, producer or for my bio mom, surrounded by talented and ridiculous folks.  I could mention my time studying with spiritual teachers and masters, and reading and traveling around to find the meaning of life.  Oh, and did I mention that my adopted mom is fighting and beating cancer, my mother-in-law came to this country with my husband as a teenager without any knowledge of the English language or job skills to give him a better life, and depending on what day you ask her, she is pretty happy with her son and her choice. 

I could write about my family drama, and the joy and challenges of finding biological sisters and women who feel like my sisters, who helped me to realize how wonderful it is to have wonderful women in your life- they help you to uncover the ugly and glorious parts of yourself and try to make sure that you have a sense of humor about it along the way.

If I am truly honest, however, I am starting the blog to save on therapy bills that I cannot afford, and give myself an excuse to take time to write every day.  As someone who works full time, and spends every other moment with her 15 mo and 43 year old children and the family Golden Retrievier, grocery shopping, doing chores, and driving or flying 2 hours when the grandparents moan about being "deprived of their grandson", there is no greater gift that I can give myself, or my friends and family, so that their daughter, sista, friend, wifey, and mama will not be a raving lunatic anymore.